Predicciones de El Unicornio para 2020, mes por mes

En El Unicornio reunimos a los más grandes astrólogos del orbe para que nos entregaran sus predicciones del año 2020. Al ver que no recibirían un solo peso (como se acostumbra ahora en los grandes medios con sus columnistas, que a cambio de remuneración les pagan con prestigio) mandaron a decir que “ni muertos”. Según voces audibles de ultratumba, entre ellos se hallaba el famoso mentalista Walter Mercado.

¿Mejorará por fin la economía del país? ¿Alberto Carrasquilla seguirá inamovible como ministro de Hacienda? De la segunda respuesta, depende la primera. ¿Álvaro Uribe seguirá inamovible dándole órdenes a su subalterno? ¿El subpresidente se verá obligado a renunciar? De la primera respuesta, depende la segunda.

Sea como fuere, ante la ausencia de astrólogos desinteresados en la paga, reunimos a los mejores comentaristas de fútbol del país, los cuales nunca se equivocan (eso dice cada uno de ellos ), y en los 15 minutos de intermedio de un partido armaron sus predicciones para el año que comienza.

ENERO: Tres semanas después de iniciados sus mandatos, radicales opositores a diversos gobernantes iniciarán la recolección de firmas en busca de la revocatoria de los respectivos mandatarios regionales, tomando como argumento central que ya era hora de que hubieran comenzado a mostrar resultados. En Bogotá, para poner un solo ejemplo, ante el CNE se inscribirá el movimiento No Más Claudia.

FEBRERO: En los primeros días del segundo mes de 2020 Sergio Fajardo viajará a Capurganá a contemplar delfines juguetones y desde allá declarará que está pensando seriamente en declinar toda posibilidad de lanzarse a la presidencia del 2022. Unos días después, en la segunda quincena de febrero, dirá que pensándolo bien sí se lanza como candidato a la presidencia en 2022 y enseguida agregará: “Se puede”.

MARZO: Recién entrados de las sufridas vacaciones de comienzo de año los congresistas aprobarán una rebaja en su salario… para aquellos senadores y/o representantes a la Cámara que sean mayores de 80 años.

ABRIL: El Senado aprobará una prima extra solo para aquellos abnegados y asalariados servidores que devengan más de 20 salarios mínimos -que los incluirá a ellos, por supuesto- y enseguida saldrán a vacaciones de Semana Santa.

MAYO: A Álvaro Uribe le parecerá inconcebible que el injustamente perseguido por la politizada Corte Suprema de Justicia, Andrés Felipe Arias -más conocido como el Uribito- no tenga para su solaz y recreación caballos pura sangre en su sitio de reclusión, motivo por el cual mandará a traer unos ejemplares del Ubérrimo.

JUNIO: Gustavo Petro dirá que la culpa de todo lo que está pasando la tiene el voto en blanco, y Daniel Coronell le responderá que él se siente “muy feliz” de haber votado en blanco, y se trenzarán en una discusión en Twitter que durante 48 horas permanecerá como tendencia nacional.

JULIO: Los congresistas regresarán al Capitolio luego de las terceras vacaciones del año y el presidente del Senado afirmará que “velaremos una vez más con denodado espíritu constructivo y solidario para debatir y aprobar las leyes que más necesita Colombia en el patriótico propósito institucional de enrumbarnos por la ruta de la senda que nos conduzca a un camino que trace el sendero de la prosperidad para todos y cada uno de los colombianos que pueblan nuestra querida nación”. 

AGOSTO: Al cumplirse dos años del mandato del subpresidente Iván Duque, la revista Semana sacará una edición cuya carátula se titulará “Segundo año de aprendizaje”.

SEPTIEMBRE: Con motivo del primer cambio serio en el gabinete ministerial, el exalcalde de Barranquilla Alejandro Char será nombrado ministro de Transporte; Carlos Holmes Trujillo, nuevo ministro del interior; Alejandro Ordóñez, ministro de Defensa; Carlos Antonio Vélez, ministro del Deporte; Hassan Nassar, ministro de las TIC y Comunicaciones; y Álvaro Uribe Vélez será nombrado ministro de Justicia, tras su renuncia al Senado.

OCTUBRE: La Corte Constitucional tumbará por “vicios de trámite” y por segunda vez la ley de crecimiento económico, antes llamada ley de financiamiento, antes llamada reforma tributaria, dándole así la razón a la demanda presentada por el senador Roy Barreras unos días después de su aprobación en el Congreso.

NOVIEMBRE: Morirá sorpresivamente un reconocido expresidente de la República, sumiendo así en el dolor a la mitad del país y en el alborozo a la otra mitad.

DICIEMBRE: El subpresidente Duque renovará la cúpula militar y nombrará como nuevo comandante del Ejército al general Diego Villegas (investigado por falsos positivos y quien venía de comandar la unidad a la que pertenecía el uniformado que mató al desmovilizado Dimar Torres), en remplazo del general Enrique Zapateiro (investigado por falsos positivos), quien en diciembre del año anterior había remplazado al general Nicacio Martínez, también investigado por falsos positivos.

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