Me llevarás en ti: 120 minutos perdidos para siempre

Acabo de ver Me llevarás en ti, una producción nacional cuya reseña llamó poderosamente mi atención: es la historia de un empresario colombiano de principios del siglo pasado -paisa más precisamente- que vive un romance en Europa con una condesa polaca.

La película comienza bien, con una imponente toma de la Basílica de San Pedro en Roma. Sin embargo, no tarda en empezar a decaer (veinte segundos después, para ser exactos) y continuar un descenso sostenido hasta tocar fondo en el infierno de las peores películas rodadas en la historia de la Humanidad.

El guión (mezcla de Corín Tellado, documental escolar y libro de superación personal ) es pé-si-mo; los diálogos (algunos de los cuales parecían sacados de un video de Snapchat grabado por un grupo de millenials en el Parque Lleras) son pé-si-mos; las actuaciones (en un momento me sentí viendo aquel Mercado de Lágrimas de La Carabina de Ambrosio pero en versión paisa) son pé-si-mas; la edición es pé-si-ma; el raccord (es decir, la continuidad en las escenas) es pé-si-mo; el maquillaje de bigotes postizos comprados en Cachivaches (de los más baratos) es pé-si-mo.

Y eso para no hablar de los aparatos anacrónicos (teléfonos de teclas en los años 30), ni de la presencia de enfermeras ibaguereño-italianas en trasatlánticos que cubrían la ruta Roma – New York en los años 40, o enfermeras y médicos samarios en el Hospital de Nueva York por la misma época…

El protagonista de la historia, Gonzalo Mejía, fue uno de los pioneros en Colombia de la navegación por el río Magdalena, de la aviación, del cine y de un montón de cosas más. Un hombre notable, en definitiva. No puedo evitar preguntarme entonces por qué le pagan así a ese pobre tipo, por qué profanan su memoria con este antihomenaje, y de remate con uno de los campos que a él más lo apasionaban: el cine.

¿A cuál enemigo silencioso, a qué envidioso descendiente de uno de sus rivales de negocios le habrán encargado hacer semejante bodrio? Entre las cosas que lamento de haber malgastado de esa manera tan miserable los $13.000 de la boleta, hay dos que se disputan el premio mayor: la primera es que la inevitable siesta que me pegué hacia la mitad de la película sólo hubiera durado 20 minutos; la segunda, que todo lo que dijo María Fernanda Cabal en su cuenta de Twitter durante el fin de semana pasado haya resultado una vil mentira: me habría encantado que un grupo de vándalos hubiera irrumpido en el teatro y me matara a machetazo limpio, habría sido preferible a la muerte por aburrimiento de la que estuve a punto de ser víctima (me salvé por, a lo sumo, un par de minutos).

Esas dos, pues, se disputaban el título de las dos cosas que más lamento del purgatorio cinematográfico que viví hoy, pero sólo porque hay una que está fuera de concurso: haber desperdiciado 120 valiosos minutos de mi vida viendo semejante porquería de película. Sí: 120 minutos perdidos para siempre; ¡120 minutos que ya nunca volverán!

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