El derrumbe

El 8 de agosto de 1918 es conocido como el Día negro del Ejército Alemán. Ese día empezó la ofensiva de los 100 Días que acabó en el armisticio y la posterior Paz de Versalles, tratado que este año conmemora un siglo de firmado, por cierto.

Ese día el 4th Ejército Británico comandado por Sir Henry Rawlinson rompió las líneas alemanas en Amiens y avanzó 11 kilómetros, una distancia enorme para los estándares de la I Guerra Mundial.

Con la ruptura del Frente de Amiens, vino el derrumbe del imperio Alemán. Esa semana, entre el 8-14 de agosto de 1918, fue la “Septimana Horribilis” del ejército alemán, una fecha que marcó el principio del fin de una época. A la derrota alemana que le siguió vino la caída del Káiser Guillermo II y la revolución, una revolución que llegó con anarquismo, socialismo e hiperinflación.

Tan sonora derrota fue la semilla que engendró al monstruo que vino después, llamado Adolfo Hitler.

Esta semana que acaba de terminar nos ha dejado un derrumbe dentro de las líneas del uribismo que, de algún modo ha sido similar. La “septimana horribilis” del uribismo comenzó la semana antepasada cuando un gobierno inepto, liderado por un hombrecito inepto, falsificó y mostró ante la Asamblea General de Naciones Unidas un documento de primerísima importancia para la región, con serias implicaciones diplomáticas.

Ese esperpento diplomático plagado de fotos falsas e inexactitudes creó una conmoción regional que sirvió no solo para solidificar la causa chavista -la intención opuesta del documento-, sino para que Maduro se regodeara con el error e hiciera una alocución cómica donde abiertamente se burló de su “mini – némesis” a este lado de la frontera. (En realidad Duque no puede ser la némesis de nadie, su falta de experiencia lo hace un aprendiz de todo).

Tal desastre diplomático resultó casi que un augurio exacto de lo que pasaría la semana pasada, una semana terrible en la que el uribismo recibió varios rectos a la mandíbula, que lo rindieron inconsciente.

Para empezar, estuvieron las dizque marchas de apoyo a Uribe, en la previa de su indagatoria en la Corte Suprema de Justicia. Marchas patéticas, caracterizadas por la escasez de público, que sirvieron como indicador de una tendencia que las encuestas vaticinaban: que Uribe se está quedando solo. En las principales ciudades del país apenas “cuatro gatos” se juntaron para solidarizarse con su líder, reflejando el rechazo cada día mayor que acumula este siniestro personaje. Ese 78% de apoyo a la Corte que reflejaron las encuestas, sumado a la pobre asistencia a las marchas, marcó todo lo que vendría después, que no fue poco.

El martes 8 de octubre (otro día 8, como el del derrumbe de la Batalla de Amiens) por fin llegó el “Día-U” que toda Colombia esperaba. Uribe se presentó en el edificio de la Corte Suprema para dar rendir indagatoria. En las afueras del edificio una escuálida barra de seguidores, liderados por una monja con un megáfono que se presentó ante la prensa como Carmelita Misionera, congregación reconocida dentro de la obra misional que la Iglesia Católica lleva a cabo en Suramérica.

Uribe realizó su diligencia durante todo el dia, y si bien la Corte no le dio medida de aseguramiento por voltear testigos, sí lo vinculó oficialmente al proceso, quedando su detención a merced de los resultados finales de la investigación, que aun no termina.

El rostro de Uribe al salir de la diligencia lo decía todo. Las cámaras de los distintos medios lo captaron mordiéndose el labio superior y reflejando una cara de impotencia que trascendía hasta llegar al cosmos. Lo habían frenado. No estaba preso, pero lo habían frenado. Por primera vez en casi 40 años de una vida pública sin óbice alguno, por fin alguien le metía el freno de mano. Y eso ya constituye un hito histórico. El solo hecho de que fuera el primer expresidente en pasar la vergüenza de rendir indagatoria ante una Corte, no hace las cosas más fáciles para el padre ideológico de “Los Doce Apóstoles”.

Sin embargo, ahí no acabarían las desgracias para el uribismo. Después de ser derrotado por la Corte, y viendo como el mundo se le venia encima, el hombre con fama de ser “el más duro de Colombia” cedió ante el miedo que le provocó una posible condena en prisión y echó al agua a su propio abogado. Con una pasmosidad que espanta, el “Doctor Varito” no tuvo ningún remilgo en endilgarle la culpa de sus problemas al abogado Diego Cadena, negando su autorización sobre los sobornos disfrazados de “ayuda humanitaria” que este último pagó a uno de los testigos. “Yo no sabia nada de esos pagos”, declaró Uribe sin titubear. Así, tan campante como entró a la Corte, tiró a Cadena a los leones para que lo devoraran.

Sus seguidores lo habían abandonado en las marchas de la víspera, y ahora él los abandona a ellos. Con gesto gélido y desafectado, Uribe se desmarcaba de uno de sus seguidores. Es obvio que ahora Uribe señalizaba un “sálvese quien pueda” que difícilmente se puede reconciliar con la supuesta honorabilidad que tanto se le atribuye al patrón del Ubérrimo.

Sabiéndose solo e indefenso, el abogado Cadena apareció al día siguiente, miércoles, con una historia que hizo las delicias de los caricaturistas, burlones, productores de memes y demás mamagallistas de profesión -los cuales no son pocos en un país como Colombia-, al salir con la historia del “Abohámster”, una historia que hizo que el país entero se retorciera en el piso de la risa. En una declaración desafortunada, y dirigida a un público en edad de primero de primaria, Cadena aseguró que lo que él había dicho en la grabación que reveló Daniel Coronell hace un par de semanas no era “Abogángster” sino “Abohámster”, dizque porque ese era un apodo que le había dado una exnovia a la que él le había regalado un hámster para que lo tuviera como mascota.

Pronto un rio de memes y comentarios burlescos se apoderaron de las redes sociales. El meme del abogado Cadena con cara de hámster debió reproducirse millones de veces en redes, al punto de crear la principal tendencia ese día. Por supuesto, nadie le creyó su historia. Además, su estúpida aclaración dejó entre la gente la sensación de que el uribismo es un partido de cretinos desvergonzados, carentes de inhibiciones. Para justificarse un uribista es capaz de decir cualquier barbaridad o estupidez, desde insultar la inteligencia de los colombianos con una historia como la del “Abohámster”, hasta matar a un opositor político. De ser un partido de derecha, ha pasado a ser un partido de sociópatas. Dentro del uribismo no existen las inhibiciones a la hora de mentir o falsificar, se trata de una enorme máquina de cometer fraudes.

Pero el “fraude de fraudes” aparecería el jueves. Ese día, algunos medios del país empezaron a reportar que la monja del megáfono que tanto había apoyado a Uribe en el dia de su indagatoria, no era monja ni pertenecía a la orden de las Carmelitas Misioneras. La cosa pasó de pardo a oscuro luego de que se revelara su verdadera identidad y ocupación. De furibunda uribista pasó a falsa monja, y de falsa monja descendió rápidamente a mujer estafadora y racista que se enriquece con la caridad, como lo aseguró un sacerdote que dice conocerla. Antes de que cayera la noche, esos mismos que se habían embriagado creando memes con el cuento del Abohámster, tuvieron una segunda borrachera con el cuento de la “monja falsa” y ahondaron en la idea colectiva de que el uribismo es una máquina de falsedades.

¿Por qué el uribismo decidió financiar a esa mujer para que se hiciera pasar por monja? Esto es materia de especulación, pero la sensación que queda es que querían mostrar a una “hija de Dios” respaldando a su mesías, es decir, querían falsificar una voluntad divina, que la gente viera que la Iglesia estaba con su Führer.

El escandalo de la falsa monja llegó hasta el Vaticano y a las pocas horas de conocerse la verdad sobre esta mujer, un representante de la Iglesia en la Ciudad Eterna iniciaba averiguaciones sobre esta estafadora de almas, abriendo la puerta para un incidente diplomático con la Santa Sede.

En resumen, en una semana el uribismo ha empezado a derrumbarse. Cómo se puede levantar de esta ráfaga fatal de escándalos, es algo que está por verse. Ente la mayoría de los colombianos ya ha quedado cimentada la idea del uribismo como una máquina de fraudes. Todo lo que arroja la cinta transportadora del uribismo es un engaño, sea una declaración del subpresidente Duque, o un reporte sobre cualquier tema. E inevitablemente, todo lo que sale de las toldas uribistas acaba en la mesa de dibujo de Matador, quien, literalmente no da abasto con tanta ‘cagada’ que le cae del cielo.

Un gobierno para caricaturistas, a eso se reduce este gobierno. Y ese bien puede ser el epitafio que quede hacia 2022, cuando esta pesadilla llamada Duque-Uribe llegue a su fin y el país pueda escoger a un nuevo mandatario.

Cuando un tipo se convierte en el chiste preferido de Nicolás Maduro, uno de los carajos más vulgares y estrafalarios que ha dado la zoología política latinoamericana, queda claro que algo anda muy mal con el dizque “Presidente de la República de Colombia”.

¡Ay Dios, todo se derrumbó! Solo quedan los chistes…

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